Bismarck and the Fountain of Goof

One day Bismarck found himself thinking too much like a human. In other words he didn’t find himself so much as his ego. This is miserable, he thought, walking around speculating about the future. Initially it had begun with Bismarck planning for feedings then it had moved onto anticipating far in advance sleeping. Recently it had gotten so bad that Bismarck had begun to wonder what a 401k was. He was staying up nights licking himself into a sticky mess in anticipation of tax season.

Time to find my inner cat.

Bismarck began by knocking around a toy mouse. First, he knocked it here, and then he knocked it there. He repeated this process several more times. When the mouse failed to move out of its own volition Bismarck became angry. What gives you the right to be obstinate, all you do is lay on the dirty floor all day you filthy rodent?

Bismarck had taken it upon himself to create his own fun. Now he wanted the burden to fall on the shoulders of others.

Bismarck demanded satisfaction from his human. He let it be known that petting would not suffice. We are to play ball, then feather, and when you think you’re ready to leave I will stand right up against the door and impede your retreat. In this way I shall extract from you the entertainment I need. If this does not suit you I can always take a pound of flesh instead. Bismarck sharpened his claws.

Eventually it reached the point where the human was a nervous wreck. He walked around eating Cheetos and talking to himself about how he was going to get more Cheetos. Bismarck had achieved some degree of success. He thought he would be satisfied but the solace was never forthcoming; it wasn’t enough to spread the misery around. It’s time to find my inner cat, Bismarck thought.

And so Bismarck indicated to the human that he might light candles. He took to the human’s lap in a moment of silent meditation and prayer. It took patience and determination but eventually over time Bismarck began to forget the past and then the future. He began to live in the meow.

Suddenly objects regained their mystery. Colors regained their brilliance. The sink was no longer simply a mechanism for removing germs. It became a basin of coruscating possibilities. And with that Bismarck set out once again; this time to restore happiness and goodwill to the world. And all was happy. And all was kind. And all that due to the power of cat.