Bismarck Finds Himself

It wasn't long after mauling the masseur that Bismarck began considering the possibility that his life had gone off track. Losing his investment, facing charges, incurring the subtle wrath of a massage therapist, Bismarck felt as if his life had been derailed. He wasn't getting any younger and he was starting to lose steam. It was time he got some coals in the fire instead of just chugging along. 

Bismarck began his journey by climbing atop biographies of great men. He moved from Churchill to Gandhi to A.J.P. Taylor's famous account of his namesake. The first was thick and portentous, the second thin but sturdy in constitution. Bismarck didn't know what to think of the third. The binding was soft and flimsy, the pages slightly yellowed. The cover bore a caricature of the Baron. On it his head appeared massive, his mustache gargantuan. It reminded Bismarck of his whiskers and how they splayed out flamboyantly. He started to question whether people thought him haughty. He vowed to change his life, one day at a time.

Before one can go about changing the day he must first brush his teeth. Naturally, Bismarck used all natural toothpaste. He chose Tom’s with whitening action. True, he was trying to be less vain. But such a transformation occurs gradually. And who was Bismarck hurting by not having yellowed teeth and halitosis?

Nobody, that’s who, just like nobody will question one if one’s armpits don’t smell bad. That’s why Bismarck chose to also apply deodorant. He stuck with Tom’s but he also considered Ben and Jerry’s. Later, he thought. We do not yet live in a world where it is considered acceptable to apply ice cream underneath one’s arms. Would such a treatment prove better than deodorant? Assuredly. Would such a faux pas be tolerated with those without paws? Not likely.

Shaving came next. Bismarck ran the handle portion of the razor underneath his chin. He rubbed and purred and repeated. When this was over he washed his face by sticking it under the running tap. He picked himself up, shook himself off and stood erect eyes forward.

That’s when he caught a reflection of another cat in the mirror. He held onto said reflection trying to lick it up. When after several hours it hadn’t licked Bismarck back he came to realize that the image he was looking of was of his body. At last he had finally found himself. I was here all along, he thought. Screw life journeys, self doubt is for the birds.