Bismarck's Coat of Arms

Bismarck was at heart a Baron. He may have been born a simple Junker but he was destined to be a Junkernaut.

In the meantime Bismarck was trapped at home. Every morning the human would leave to do human things, thereby removing Bismarck from the world at large. His only option was to sit on the couch and pout and plan for the human’s demise.   

Over time, as the weather grew warmer the human began shedding layers. Like an onion he would peel off layers of jackets while simultaneously growing ever more stinky. Bismarck began formulating a plan of escape.

Trying things out, he initially blanketed himself under a down comforter. When the human returned home he called for his “kitty.” Like salmonella, Bismarck remained hidden. The human then tried “kitty, kitty,” which also failed. Mimicking an alarm bell the human elevated his pitch to a “kitttty, kitttty, kittttty,” cry. Bismarck listened as the human stomped from room to room preoccupied by his human need for control and appeasement of the ego. From a corner he watched as the human obtusely scanned under the bed as if Bismarck were a children’s monster. Bismarck snuggled into the comforter further, the image of the boogeyman brining him solace.

Bismarck awoke to the human pleading desperately into a handheld talk box. He was telling someone, probably his mother, of the nightmare of the lost cat. Bismarck thought he noticed a tear coming to the human’s eyes. If ever there was a human that took on the qualities of a female dog or cat…

Then came the smell of liver. It wafted through the air like incense, calling Bismarck to alter. He jumped out of bed and made penance by his food bowl. The human let out a joyous cry and for a moment found peace. Little did he know that he may have won the battle but would never win the war.

The next day Bismarck positioned himself closer to the door. He lay down under a giant green coat. This time he didn’t wait for the human to find him.

As soon as the human came in he pounced. If you are worrying that he clawed the human’s face, then worry no more. If you were hoping he did, shame on you.

What Bismarck did instead was that he rushed through the door. Quicker than the human could say “what the hell,” he was out the open gate. This is where he stayed until he was good and ready. Which was about thirty minutes. But that was fine. From then on the human indulged Bismarck when it came to whether he would stay in or out, the exact outcome Bismarck had wanted from the start. Now if he could just get the human better food trained…