Bismarck Cleans Up

At first Bismarck brushed away the Liberals. He took their constitution and tore it to shreds. Afterwards he clawed at the Catholics. By this point he had gone too far. The church imposed on him an Inquisition so pastoral and benign that he forgot how to manipulate Kaisers. Subsequently he was stuck alone on his country estate waiting for redemption, which took the name senility. 

Bismarck the cat refused to let a great mind go to waste in the same way. Like most good cats he forgot about all the prefrontal cortex nonsense and made decisions from his gut. And his gut was telling him that tuna was the future, as in tuna futures.

With the human gone Bismarck turned on the computer. When asked for the password he tried password. Then 1234. Then password1234. Because he was a cat and didn’t give a shit he eventually happened on the secret code. It was to wait patiently for the human to leave the computer logged in.

Two weeks later he did. The sun was shining brightly through the windows. That fact was inconsequential. More important was the fact that it was a Monday. Day traders were toiling away in digital cyberspace, giving their algorithms a strenuous workout. Bismarck chose instead to exercise his vocal cords. He roared. The computer bowed before his cat like prowess blinked and took him to Charles Schwab. Unfortunately, the human used a different account for his password. Luckily this time password worked.

Once on, Bismarck scrolled towards pork bellies. He licked his chops and thought of how delicious they might be going down. Sadly Bismarck suspected that the pigs might one day soon rise up and overthrow their human tormentors, so betting on them continuing to be eaten did not seem safe. Conversely, tuna didn’t seem to stand much of a chance. Bismarck stuck with his initial intention and bet his human’s entire 401k on the price of tuna rising dramatically.

And so it did. So much so that the human felt like he couldn’t afford it. Bismarck bowed his head towards the flashing computer screen. Lo and behold the human’s Charles Schwab holdings had doubled. The human was stupefied. He supposed that in some forgotten unconscious burst of ingenuity he must have invested in tuna futures. He rewarded himself with steak. This was fine with Bismarck. As he also subconsciously planted in the human’s mind the sacrilegious ideas to call in some of his tuna futures for the genuine article. And after a protracted court battle he did so successfully. And Bismarck had all the tuna he could eat.